danmacrae asked: New Shipment: 1) Top 3 Things That Psychics Do 2) Top 3 Brands Of Gum 3)Top 3 Wikipedia Pages

Top 3 Things Psychics Do:

1. Lie

2. Wear scarves.

3. Talk about their gypsy ancestry (I once went to a ‘psychic fair’ with my sister where a lady told us all the other psychics were fake, but she was real because she was 4th generation fortune teller from a gypsy family. Blondest gypsy I’ve ever seen).

Top 3 Brands of gum:

1. Extra Whitening (Bubblegum flavoured)

2. Stride (citrus flavoured)

3. Trident (melon flavoured)

Top 3 Wikipedia Pages:

1. List of dogs 

2. List of cats

3. Albert Fish 

danmacrae asked: Top 3 Butt Bonanza! 1) Top 3 Animals You Would Accept As Your Dad 2) Top 3 Characters On The Client List 3) Top 3 Stock Reality TV Characters

Top 3 Animals I Would Accept As My Dad:

1. Pudsey, because he’s a champion. 

2. Winston, because he would make sure I ate my fruits and vegetables.

3. Yoda (RIP), for the family resemblance.

Top 3 Characters On The Client List

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s left boob.

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s right boob.

3. Loretta Devine

Top 3 Stock Reality Characters

1. Fat girl who rips the dress (primarily seen on Say Yes To The Dress and What Not To Wear)

2. Paranormal investigator dressed in Ed Hardy (primarily seen on every ghost hunting show)

3. The contestant who isn’t there to make friends (every single competitive reality show ever made)

This was fun, more people should ask questions!

I’m not upset that the Snow White and the Huntsman trailer looks shitty, I’m just offended by the implication that there could be a universe in which Kristen Stewart is considered to be more attractive than Charlize Theron.

Despite being well over 100 years old, and bringing in 100 000 visitors a year, High Park Zoo is about to lose its funding.

We decided to pay it a visit. There are a few things going for the High Park Zoo:

1. It’s free.

2. It’s near our apartment.

3. It’s free.

We took the street car there last Sunday and even without the zoo, High Park is pretty awesome. There are trails you can walk, weird rock stairs built into hills, playgrounds, and a huge off leash dog area. I saw my first ever wild snake there! (My blackberry has a horrible zoom function so it looks like all my pictures were taken via webcam circa 1998, my apologies to everyone)

We arrived at the zoo and were greeted by llamas. I think a couple of them might have been alpacas based on height, but I’m not going to argue with a zoo.

As a fundraiser, they had set up a booth where you could pay $2 to feed the llamas. I did this, and learned that llamas have weirdly flexible lips. For reasons I can’t explain, their ability to move their lips in odd directions made me think they would make excellent ventriloquists, despite ventriloquists making a great effort not to move their lips at all. 

They had also set up a little hay area where you could hold a baby llama or a bunnies. Next to the hay area? One of my all time favorite animals, the capybara!

For those who are unfamiliar with the capybara, it’s pretty much a 100 lbs guinea pig. I’ve recently learned that some people keep them as pets, and that they eat their own poop. This makes them an attractive alternative if Dan won’t let me get Mr. Reese.

Next up? Highland cows. I saw these when I lived in Scotland, but never got close enough to notice how badass looking they are. This one let me pet him:

This yak was also on board for petting:

This emu was less on board for petting and just wanted to fight:

This bison tried his best to let me pet him, but I couldn’t get my hand through the fence. 

It was too warm out for the reindeer I think. They didn’t seem to be having a fun day, and I’d be mad if someone posted pictures of me on the internet if I wasn’t looking my best, so I’ll leave them alone for today. This peacock however?

Not only did he look great, but he was super open minded. His roommate is a turkey.

This goat was completely disinterested in what I had to say.

There were other variations of goats there, as well as some wallabies who wouldn’t get close enough for pictures (because they had pouch babies. The last time I went to a zoo, I saw a wallaby who I thought was masturbating but it turned out that what I thought was a penis was a pouch baby). 

Anyway, the zoo is great, you should go there this weekend, and you should bring money with you. If you won’t visit, you should consider sending in a donation here.

There’s no better advertisement for abortion than the Baby Gaga “My Baby’s Progress” calendar that every pregnant woman with a Facebook account seems to have access to. Holy shit, are the accompanying pictures ever terrifying. That picture up there isn’t something I made up, that’s the real picture from week 28. It’s what alerted me to this terrifying look into our future if these facebook women carry these fetuses to term. These aren’t babies, they’re goddamn telepathic alien creatures that are gestating inside of human females for (I assume) world domination.

I thought maybe it was a fluke, and fetuses are only aliens for one week during the pregnancy, so I flipped through to some other weeks:

Week 17: Frog fetus pledges allegiance to his alien overlords 

Week 9: Tiny penis shaped manatee gestates his own alien baby. 

Week 21: Hunchbacked alien parasite thinks your insides taste delicious.

I guess the lesson here is: get that thing out of you before it explodes your abdomen with its brain powers and levitates its way out. 

For the people who don’t follow my other tumblr and were wondering if I found a job in Toronto yet, I think this post should answer that question.

(The answer is no. No I have not.)

torontotebag:

Let me preface this by saying that this post isn’t meant to demean RuPaul’s appearance. Aside from devastatingly defined cheekbones and a similar flair for fashion, physically, they have nothing in common. 

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I was really surprised to see a bunch of people glomming onto the “PETA kills more animals than it saves!” bandwagon today, because that news has been around for quite a while (this link covers a lot of it). As of last year, I’ve been a vegetarian for over a decade. I even got my start with animal activism handing out PETA pamphlets at school! And then I found out just what a hypocritical organization it is.

PETA is kind of like the Catholic church. Most of the members are wonderful, loving, well meaning people, but the assholes in charge are just the worst. PETA has killed thousands of (in many cases, healthy and adoptable) animals, and Ingrid Newkirk, the founder of PETA, pushed for breed eradication for pitbulls. That doesn’t even get into their ridiculous, ineffective, misogynistic ad campaigns. Attractive women wearing lettuce bikinis aren’t going to make men want to eat meat less, they’re just going to make them want to masturbate more… Maybe if they see those ads at the right point in their development, those men will develop a salad fetish. So it’s settled. PETA is a pretend organization grooming future generations of young boys for an interest in leafy green porn (That’s Not Ranch Dressing will be a huge pornographic hit in 2022).

If you want to make a difference in the lives of animals, you should probably just avoid PETA all together. There are a ton of legitimate animals rights organizations doing great work, but they don’t get near the amount of funding or publicity that PETA does. Seeking out local groups and supporting them either with volunteer hours or financial contributions can make a big difference.

If you want to help animals, but don’t want to join a group, here are some useful ways to help the cause:

Go Vegetarian/Vegan: Obviously, this isn’t for everyone, but it was for me. It seems really hard at first, but after a while, the idea of eating meat becomes horrifying and it’s a lot easier. If you’re just starting out, there are a ton of great recipes on VegWeb.com

Get your animal products from humane sources: (Edited to add: I accidentally posted Human Sources. I fixed it. I didn’t mean to endorse canibalism) If you’re going to eat meat, and can afford it, try to avoid factory farms. This can get pretty expensive, and you’ll probably have to go to different stores to find it, but it’s a good way of assuaging any guilt you have about the treatment of the animals you’re eating. If you can’t afford this option, consider limiting your meat consumption by joining the Meatless Monday movement. 

Take up hunting: Another way to make sure your meat had a happy life is to take up hunting. I grew up next door to hunters and was always incredibly upset as a kid when I heard about what they did, but now I have a lot of respect for them. They knew exactly what they were eating, where it came from, and one deer was enough to feed their family for a long time. That makes me a lot less squeamish than the assembly line of cows mixed together to make one hamburger. 

Buy from animal friendly companies, and more importantly, tell non-animal friendly companies why you’re not buying from them: Do your research. If you have the option of buying cosmetics tested on animals, or a cruelty free alternative, buy the second one and send the first one an email. Companies really only care about how much money they’re making and if they lose enough business, they’ll change their policies. By supporting businesses in line with your views, you’re giving them more money to make more products, which is a win win for everyone.

Volunteer/Donate to a local animal shelter: This is a pretty rewarding thing to do because you actually get to see the animals you’re helping. Shelters always need things like blankets, food, toys, etc, as well as people to walk the dogs, hang out with the cats, and clean up guinea pig cages. 

Volunteer as a pet foster parent: Most organizations don’t have enough space for all of the animals they rescue, and sometimes, animals need a bit of house training/socialization before they’re ready to go to their full time homes. If you have any experience in obedience training, you could make a huge difference in the life of a dog by getting him interview ready so he can find the best home possible.

Don’t be a dick about it: If someone asks you about your views on animal rights/veganism, etc, by all means, tell them all about it. If they don’t ask, just shut up. Really. I know when you first start out with these things, you get an awesome rush of moral superiority that makes you want to tell everyone about what they’re doing wrong. I’ve been there! Fight that urge. Set a good example, and people will follow it. Start a fight, and people will think you’re an asshole. Just because someone has a different values than you, doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. No one’s mind has ever been changed by a vegetarian calling a Burger King employee a murderer (especially since they have by far the best fast food veggie burgers). 

I don’t drink, but I do like turning happy events into destructive episodes of self loathing, so in lieu of a drinking game, tonight during the Oscar telecast, I will be playing a candy game. 

The Nominees:

Best Candy:

Snickers

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Best Sound Direction:

Fizzle Skittles

Twix (Disqualified for gluten content)

Best Nut Based Candy:

Almond Joy

Peanut M&Ms

Best Fruit Flavoured Candy:

Maynards Sour Watermelons

Skittles Blenders

Best Non-Candy:

Benadryl

Macintosh apples

Reduced Sugar Snack Pack

Things to watch for/Candy Penalties:

• Brad Pitt looks high. Eat 3 skittle blenders.
• Someone says War Horse. Eat 1 sour watermelon.
• Sacha Baron Cohen in character as the Dictator says “Zionist.” Candy of your choice.
• Uggie the dog makes an appearance. Eat 1 snickers, and enjoy it.
• Miss Piggy makes a pass at George Clooney. Eat 2 sour watermelons.
• Billy Crystal says something both funny and relevant. Eat an apple. I know, I don’t want to eat an apple either, don’t worry, it won’t come up.
• Someone yells “Speak English!” during an acceptance speech for The Artist. Eat a peanut butter cup.
• George Clooney thanks Stacy Keibler/Lets her talk on the red carpet. Eat an apple. See above.
• A red carpet host refers to Melissa McCarthy as a “plus sized actress,” a “real woman” or “curvy.” Eat 1 skittle blender. Pace yourself.
• You fail to recognize Nick Nolte without his mugshot shirt. Eat 1 Almond Joy.
• A red carpet host makes a “black don’t crack” joke in reference to Octavia Spencer and/or Viola Davis. Eat 1 bag of peanut M&Ms. Seriously, they’re 39 and 46! Insane!
• The winning movie in any category is one you’ve actually seen. Eat 1 snack pack. This is another one I don’t anticipate having to deal with.
• The Muppets win Best Song. Eat as many skittles fizzles as will fit in your mouth. Flail your arms around like Kermit.
• Someone mentions Whitney Houston. Eat a handful of skittles blenders.
• Someone thanks Hattie McDaniel. Eat 2 Almond Joys.
• You mistake Harvey Weinstein for Rush Limbaugh and wonder why he’s at the Oscars. Eat 2 bags of peanut M&Ms.
• You’re startled by Mr. Scorsese’s eyebrows. Eat 3 fizzle skittles.
• Bridesmaids wins an Oscar. Chew solemnly on 1 Almond Joy, being happy that a film featuring women did so well, while disappointed that it wasn’t a better movie.
• Jonah Hill wins an Oscar. Eat the rest of the candy, take some Benadryl, call and apologize to Marisa Tomei.

I wrote about the five worst shows I’m currently watching the other day, and afterwards, an anonymous person (show yourself!!!) requested that I make a list of the best shows I’m currently watching. As previously stated, I watch an absurd amount of TV, a lot of which is fantastic, so I’m going to limit myself to shows that are currently on the air (so even though I’m watching Twin Peaks for the first time now, it can’t go on the list), and that are in a current season (which is why things like Breaking Bad and Mad Men aren’t on the list). Also, rather than going based on critical acclaim, I’m going to make a list of the shows I enjoy watching the most. Here are the five best shows I’m currently watching:

5. Being Human (US version)

I’ve heard the UK version is pretty great as well, but I haven’t started it yet. I wasn’t sure about this show at first, but it’s surprisingly well made and addictive. It’s about a werewolf, a vampire and a ghost who live together and decide to make a go of having normal human lives. It sounds ridiculous, and sometimes it is, but the characters are super relatable despite being monsters, and the special effects are a lot better than I’ve come to expect from SyFy. This season hasn’t been as strong as the first season, but it’s well written, well acted, and I look forward to watching it every week.

Shittier Equivalent That I Also Watch: The Walking Dead. It got off to such a strong start! It’s the only comic I’ve ever read and actually enjoyed! I drastically prefer zombies to werewolves or vampires! But for some reason, all of the characters are unlikable and just unbelievably stupid. Some of the choices they’ve made this season are absolutely insane. Why would you use a human as zombie bait when that zombie is already trapped inside a well where it can’t hurt you? Explain yourselves, fictional characters!!!

4. Oddities

Oddities is the only non-competition reality show that I really enjoy. For the uninitiated: it’s about Obscura, an antique/curiosity shop in New York. As a fan of all things morbid and macabre, I love seeing the things they buy/sell and I love finding out how much various skulls are worth. But mostly, it’s the people on the show that make it so fantastic. Despite working around taxidermy, antique embalming supplies, and sculptures made of human hair all day, the Obscura employees are some of the most likable people on television. They give discounts to people with strange talents (like eating light bulbs, or playing flutes made of human femurs), they do what they can to accommodate artists with little money (by renting out items for drastically reduced prices for plays, photography, etc) and they just seem to really, really love their jobs. The majority of the featured customers are outsiders; some seem to have social issues, some have physical deformities, and some of them are Chloe Sevigny, so it would be really easy for this show to come across as mean or exploitative. Instead, it’s one of the more uplifting shows on TV. Everyone just seems really happy. 

Shittier Equivalent That I Also Watch: Deals From The Dark Side. It’s the same basic premise as Oddities, only from a collector standpoint rather than retail. It’s about a professional escape artist who mostly buys things that have been used to kill people at some point in the past. He’s a dick to his assistant (he makes fun of her for buying a shrunken head that turned out to be made of goat skin. This would be understandable if it was with his money, but she bought it for him as a birthday present), he insists that a Mohawk axe head he purchased was used to kill humans, despite a historian telling him it was for removing animal hides, and he makes his 13 year old daughter watch one of his escapes while she freaks out because he’s strapped to a conveyor belt with power tools aimed at his face. It’s like if someone took all the good will from Oddities and stomped on it with Nazi boots (which he probably has in his collection).

3. Raising Hope

Cloris Leachman!!! Martha Plimpton!!! Kate Micucci!!! This is a show that I was quiet about for a while before I found out that other people liked it too. It’s one of those shows that took a few episodes to become un-ridiculous (it’s about anunder-educated teenager who accidentally rescues a serial killer who rewards him with sex. Then Ms. Serial Killer gets pregnant, and gets the death penalty, so he has to raise the baby with the help of his stupid parents and senile great grandmother). We finally got resolution to the ‘will they or won’t they’ story line involving the main character and his object of affection, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how things go forward. Also, Cloris Leachman takes her top off a lot, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Shittier Equivalent That I Also Watch: Up All Night. It’s not a terrible show! It’s definitely watchable, but that’s more because of the actors involved than anything to do with the show itself. It might start picking up at some point, but as of right now, meh. Also, I have a life long phobia of Christina Applegate, so I dread watching it (I saw Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead at a delicate point in my life. Gave me nightmares for weeks. For some reason, seeing The Exorcist the same year was less traumatic).

2. Happy Endings

I mentioned it as a better alternative to New Girl in my bad TV post, and now I’ll elaborate on why it’s great. Like New Girl, it was originally a show built around a daffy actress, in this case, Elisha Cuthbert. I understand why they’d focus on her, she was the only real ‘name’ actress on the show and I’m sure she played a big part in it green lit. After a while, the show found its stride, cut her role back, and now they have one of the strongest ensemble casts on television. It’s goofy, well written, and I don’t hate any of the characters, which is crazy, because usually there’s at least one weak link. I can’t recommend it enough. 

Shittier Equivalent That I Also Watch: New Girl. The shows are really, really similar (at one point they even shared their token black guy), and had they gone down a more annoying road, Happy Endings could have also been garbage. It’s just so cloyingly quirky and unwatchable, I really hope it doesn’t get a second season. 

1. Justified

When a show is so awesome that blogs like Warming Glow can do entire recaps of just the badass parts, it’s worth watching. Timothy Olyphant is the most attractive person on TV, and Walton Goggins is turning in Bryan Cranston level performances in every single episode. It’s the best acted, best written, best art directed show currently airing, hands down. If you’re not watching it, you don’t deserve to watch television. It’s that good. I actually think it’s surpassed Breaking Bad as my favorite yet to be cancelled show. 

Shittier Equivalent That I Also Watch: None. There are no shows currently airing that I can compare to Justified. Just watch it!

Honorable mentions:

Parks and Recreation

Revenge

American Dad

RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’m super nervous today. The only thing I really plan to do is go to the West End Girls show tonight. But…

A year ago today, I was in the hospital for Mystery Illness for the first time. Back then we thought it was reactive arthritis. It was a simpler time.

Two years ago today? I worked my first shift as a phone sex operator. 

I’m hoping I can make it through the day without something life altering happening. My parents are whale watching in Mexico right now, so hopefully no one pulls a Jonah. 

Here’s hoping the only notable thing about February 16th, 2012 is that I rode the bus in Toronto for the first time.

My parents are currently in Mexico! It’s their first time going on a resort style vacation, and if the dragon themed tank tops my dad’s been wearing on skype are any indication, they’re enjoying themselves. This means that my sister is home alone taking care of the pets.

She seems to be having a pretty rough time. Not because she’s lonely, or because the pets are difficult, but because on her first night she turned on the radio for the cats before she left work, and when she got home it was turned off. The second night she turned on the light by the front door, and when she returned, that was off too. I pointed out that it would be ridiculous for someone to break into a locked house without damaging or taking anything, and she agreed! I thought my logic would make her feel better, but I was wrong. According to her, if no one is breaking into the house, that means that it’s either, “A ghost or a predator.” She didn’t specify which predator, but she had proof on the ghost thing: Moley (the cat) likes to stare at a spot on the wall near the light that was turned off. That means a ghost lives in that wall. You can’t argue with proof like that. Before she would get off the phone, I had to promise her that if she got murdered I would tell people that she knew about the ghost/predator and that she was right.

In a show of solidarity, here’s a list of 7 ghosts/predators I would be OK with having in my apartment:

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